It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Monday, April 16, 2012

But she’s your MOTHER!

I remember being quite sure, at age 8, that I hated my mother. In the logic of my child’s mind, you loved everybody except those who hurt you for no reason: and that was exactly how I viewed my mother: she hurt me for no reason.

Our society idealizes mothers. It is as if, the moment that first baby pops out and draws breath, the woman involved is somehow sainted. And while it is true that becoming a mother is a life-changing event, for some women those changes are not necessarily for the better.

Let’s face it—there are a lot of “not nice” people in the world and a goodly portion of them are women. And of those women, a significant number of them reproduce. And not all of them are converted into loving mothers by the act of giving birth—some of them remain “not nice,” and now have a helpless infant to add to their list of victims.

One would think that is the most tragic thing of all—a helpless innocent being delivered into the hands of a not-so-nice woman for whom birth was not the pivotal emotional event in her life, but it’s not. The most tragic thing is that the rest of us, imbued with the notion that all mothers love and adore their children, don’t give credence to children when they complain—we don’t even notice the signs in kids who don’t complain—about being treated poorly by their own mothers. Those children are victimized twice: first by their unloving mothers and then by the clueless who invalidate the experience of those children by saying things like, “Well, I am sure she had a good reason,” or “You don’t mean that…of course you love your mother,” and “of course your mother loves you…” when they know nothing of the kind.

We all know about women like Susan Smith who drowned her two young boys when they became a burden to her, Andrea Yates who spiralled off into a psychotic episode in which she drowned her five children in the bathtub, or, more recently, Casey Anthony, who was acquitted of murdering her child even though most people consider her to have “gotten away with murder.” We seem to have a digital mindset when it comes to mothers: either they are loving, adoring creatures who would do anything for their children or they are evil, unnatural, murdering harridans. No room in the middle for anything else.

But the truth is, it is somewhere in the middle where the self-absorbed narcissistic mother falls. Few of them premeditatedly murder their children, a la Susan Smith, and a likewise small number fall into the grip of madness like Andrea Yates and methodically kill their offspring. In fact, most narcissistic parents don’t kill their children at all, and a fairly large number of them don’t physically abuse their kids, either (although the malignant narcissists do). No, narcissistic mothers torture their children psychologically, emotionally, sometimes by design but no less often simply as a matter of their approach to mothering.

It should come as no surprise that the emotional abuse the child of a narcissist suffers is no less devastating than the physical abuse other children may suffer. Bruises and welts fade but cruel words retain their ability to draw emotional blood long years after they were first spoken. Couple cruel words with demeaning attitudes and behaviours, make it the child’s earliest experiences that are then stretched out over an entire youth, and you have a child’s entire life one of pain, fear, denigration, and lacking in demonstrations of love from the one person a child should feel emotionally secure in the presence of: her mother. This tragic situation is compounded by outsiders, people who neither acknowledge nor understand that, in order to be a nightmare of a mother one need not murder or even beat their children, one must only not show them love.

In one of the rare moments that my mother and I were able to dialog about the misery that was my childhood, my mother claimed, “But I did love you…I wasn't just any good at showing it,” to which I replied, “from the point of view of the kid, your not showing it was no different from it not existing at all: if you didn’t show it, how was I to know it existed?”

Typical of the unempathetic narcissist, she then shrugged it all off, excusing herself and blaming me: “Well, you should have known. I was your mother, after all!” She waxed poetic about how she had looked forward to my birth through her difficult (she gained a lot of weight and was unwieldy) pregnancy and how eager she was to have me home. She apparently forgot, however, that when I was only 14 she had revealed to me that having a baby was nothing like she had expected and, typically narcissistically, she blamed “others”—“Nobody told me that I couldn’t just put you back on the closet shelf like a doll when I got tired of you,” she had said.

At 14, my daughter had a phone conversation with her grandmother in which my mother expressed her disappointment in being a mother. “I never should have had kids,” she told my daughter, “I should have had cats instead.” This sent my daughter running to me in tears, feeling that her grandmother wished she had not been born. “If she never had kids, then I wouldn’t be here!” What could I say? I am sure that “your grandmother doesn’t always think before she speaks” was insufficient, but how to you respond to something like that? My daughter felt crushed, rejected, unwanted, without a single blow being struck, without any kind of emotional altercation, and from a great distance. Imagine feeling like that every day of your life and the perpetrator is your own mother.

We imagine mothers to be loving and to have their hearts full of love for their children but, unfortunately, this is not the case. Some mothers demonstrate dreadful favouritism, something that cannot help but be noticed by the children. All children are hurt by this, not just the unfavoured child(ren). A favoured child—called a “golden child” by some—learns that it is ok to dislike one (or more) of his siblings, that exploitation is an acceptable behaviour, and justice, fairness, is optional. Charlie’s brother was a perfect example of a grown golden child and he was insufferable, particularly to Charlie. Arrogant and supercilious, self-aggrandizing and boorishly rude, his mother excused his behaviour to me once by saying “Oh, he’s a millionaire—millionaires are like that!” My own brother learned early in life that nothing was his fault: no matter what he was supposed to do, if he didn’t do it, I got punished for not making him do it. My N ex-husband, James, once explained right and wrong, as it applied to him, thus: “if I don’t get caught, then it was OK.”

People observe parents fawn over the Golden Child and assume that they are capable of that kind of “love” for all of their children. It therefore stands to reason that if a parent is treating another child differently, not as well, that the child has somehow earned it. What people outside of the narcissistic sphere miss is that the narcissistic parent is not demonstrating love to any of the children: what passed for love in the observer’s eyes was merely narcissistic supply being nurtured.

Many people downplay the significance of emotional abuse. The emotional pain of being rejected, ridiculed, demeaned, particularly by one’s own family, is cruelly long-lasting. During my marriage to James, the malignant narcissist, I once told my therapist that I wished he would hit me. She was, appropriately, horrified. I had to clarify by saying that if he would hit me, leave a bruise or a mark, I could point to it and say “Look! See the mark he left on me? See how he hurt me?” and people outside our little pas de deux would recognize that I had been victimized, that I was hurt, and that he was the one hurting me. But because the bruises and pain were invisible to the casual observer, my pain went unacknowledged, thereby increasing its effect because I was alone in it. It eventually drove me to suicidal ideation—anything to stop the pain.

As devastating as it is to be in a relationship with a narcissist as an adult, we do have options. We can explore our pain on the internet, with empathetic friends, with professionals whom we pay to help us sort out the confusing morass of our feelings. Children, however, young, vulnerable, inexperienced children, have no such options. Little kids believe what they are told, especially by their parents, and so they grow up believing that something is wrong with them (or, if the child is the Golden Child, a sibling). Charlie believed he was stupid, when he was only dyslexic, because his mother told him so repeatedly, because the school put him in remedial classes (but didn’t address his dyslexia), because his brother believed and treated him as such. Charlie didn’t believe he was deserving of a nice place to live or a decent wardrobe or even of being loved. One of the reasons Charlie married me was because, in his own words, he “liked how he felt” around me.

You see, I never saw Charlie as stupid, I saw him as having a remediable problem. And I not only told him that, I showed him. I didn’t judge his problem—I have problems of my own that I do not expect to be judged for—I simply helped him find ways to get around his dyslexia, ways to deal with it. And little by little, Charlie’s self-image changed and he began to realize that not only was he not stupid, he wasn’t deserving of the shabby treatment his family meted out to him.

And that is perhaps the absolute worst legacy of being saddled with a narcissistic parent: coming to feel that you deserve their bad treatment, somehow feeling that the ill treatment and low regard your family demonstrates to you is warranted. You go from being called a “stupid” or “worthless” or “hopeless” child to believing yourself to be a stupid, worthless, hopeless adult—and deserving of every iota of crap that the people in your life drop on you.

At the age of 8 I knew something was wrong with my mother, not me. My mother somehow knew I felt this way and she was brutal in her efforts to bring me to heel. And while much of her behaviour towards me motivated unwise and self-destructive behaviours in me, I never lost sight of the fact that there was something wrong with her, not me. My therapist told me that I had a “strong inner core,” and that not everyone has that—some people succumb and believe themselves to be at fault—like Charlie did. But with or without that strong inner core, we go through our childhoods being assaulted and invalidated not only by our parents, but by the adults around us who persist in their belief that all mothers want only what is best for their children and children who complain about treatment at the hands of their parents just “don’t know what is good for them,” or they are exaggerating the direness of the situation or they provoked their parent to take unfortunate action. The children of narcissists are seldom validated by others, not even by members of their own family.

It is time to stop the knee-jerk reaction so many of us have when children complain. Just as we once minimized and discounted children’s reports of sexual abuse, we still minimize children’s reports of any kind of abuse that doesn’t leave a livid bruise or an ugly scar. But the fact that you cannot see them with your eyes does not mean the bruises and scars are not there. Sometimes you have to look with your heart.

20 comments:

  1. I also knew from the time I was a Little One that my mother was different from other "mommies." You had to spend some time around her to "get it," but since isolation combined with Academy Award winning acting abilities can make even the most deadly MN appear "normal" to the outside world the atrocities they inflict on their children fly beneath the radar. Particularly if the child comes from an affluent background, statistically it's highly unlikely they will ever come to the attention of the authorities.

    In my adult life post NC, my MN utilized her economic resources to stalk me relentlessly, to sabotage all my attempts at individuation and successful autonomy particularly in my young adult life. She was believed by every *single* organization and individual she conned into cooperating with her malicious, vile and annihilating agenda by stating, "But I'm her MOOOTTHHERRR!"

    It's time to stop blindly worshipping the Golden Uterus. Giving birth doesn't make a MN any less an MN: It simply confers a socially sanctioned "Get Out Of Jail Free Card" for these disgusting perpetrators.
    And leaves the child without recourse and the Adult Child without an ounce of credibility. The path of the AC has been prepped for years prior by the Parent-As-Perp who tells all who will listen, "She/He ALWAYS was such a DIFFICULT child" etc. and has been making such patently ridiculous statements since the AC drew their first breath. They are prolific and shameless liars.
    TW

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  2. I am sorry you had to experience a childhood that mirrored my own--I would not wish that on my worst enemy, let alone a stranger.

    I love the phrase "Golden Uterus"! So very apropos!

    One of the very worst parts of being the child of one of these monsters is not the terror and abuse suffered at their hands as children, but the lack of belief when the child finally has screwed up the courage to "tell." The lack of credibility we experience as adults--even inside our own families--is even more destroying than the abuse because it gives us no hope of validation, ever.

    When people ask about my mother (who is thankfully dead) I have learned to simply say "you know how there are inexplicably bad people in the world? Well, some of them have kids--I am one of those kids." Few people take that conversation any further, but I still, on occasion, get a few who say--in hushed, horrified tones--"But she's your motherrrr!" Which, of course, blames me for the decades of hurt and predation I suffered.

    So, TW, you are definitely not alone out there. Join the site and you are sure to meet more like-minded people as well.

    And thanks for your visit and your comments.

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  3. I have come to the right place..hope this blog is still active?

    What amazes me is, that even now as a young adult in progress, ( I`m almost 22 soon..this month, separated from my malignant b... mother for quite some time, trying to rebuild my life) I still put myself the question, what did I do, to this...whatever she is, to hate me so much? If she didn`t wanted me, why did she made me? Doesn`t make any sense..

    She plays the classical victim around all family and anyone who listens, a string of fools to blame and lecture "the bad daughter", who tries to free herself from the insanity..

    My birthday is coming soon, she knows of course, and she came in my town with the excuse that she is "sick".

    I`ve been through this so many times..it can`t be named a person, no human being who has emapthy and compassion, enjoys to actively destroy and put me to the ground, for the last twenty years..

    I am not fully No Contact but I intend to be soon..all family supports her "martiriage" for years..and they are just as bad because they enable this type of behaviour. She simply wants to destroy and turn into darkness everything I do, and being in contact with members of that "family" is just as damaging as being in contact with her.

    I don`t understand..why. Whay have I done, to be hated that much, and of course she does it in private, it`s past the middle of the night here where I write, and my email is full of messages from her.

    Of course..how could it be MY birthday, without her trying to make it about herself?

    An advice, for every child of a narcisist, maybe accidentally reading this like me, GET OUT!

    when you can, do not underestimate, these people do NOT change, they will keep on trying to destroy and infect your Life! Your whole life! Get out, and stay out..away from them.

    Peace..

    from a survivor, hopefully past these days.

    Sasha

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    1. Hello, Sasha and thank you for writing.

      There is an answer to your question about why she treats you the way she does, but it is sometimes difficult to grasp. The answer is this: it has nothing to do with you, personally. It is all about her.

      She needs someone to blame things on, to be the cause of her unhappiness, to make responsible for anything she is unwilling to take responsibility for. You were there, you were helpless to defend yourself, you were her choice. If you weren't there, if you had not been born, she would be no different--she would simply have chosen another child for the role she put you into.

      Why you and not someone else? Often the Scapegoat (SG) is the oldest child because she is the first one available to dump the crap on. Sometimes it is the first girl because some of these women don't dump on the boy children, just the girls. Sometimes it is a younger girl because the NM perceives that the time and attention demanded by the younger child takes away from the time and attention she wants to devote to her Golden Child. Often, it is the smartest, most perceptive child because the NM wants that child discredited lest her observations of the injustices in the household be taken seriously by outsiders. Whatever the reason, it goes back to the NM and what serves her...and has nothing to do with you, personally.

      But you have the right attitude. This person will never acknowledge you for who and what you really are. She will not change except, perhaps, to get worse with age. Getting away to live your life free of her influence is one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself.

      Another thing you can do, which is invaluable, is find a therapist who is experienced in helping people who grew up with abusive parents. And another thing that can help you is Journalling...keep a journal, starting today. It is cathartic and healing and, a year or two from now, you can look back and see where you were and how far you have come.

      You are on the right track Sasha, and I wish you the best of luck for your future.

      Hugs,

      Violet

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    2. "But she's your MOTHER!
      Yes, poor me - thank you for understanding what a bitch she was.

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    3. I am sorry you had to endure one as well but, yes, I DO understand what a bitch she was...and so does everyone who reads this blog, I think.

      I hope you are ok.

      Hugs,

      Violet

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    4. you have no reason to feel as though you have done something wrong, I've been there done that. My mother has lies to my husband saying I had an affair with one of our closest friends, then when confronted she says " well you say you have a good marriage if he loves you then it won't matter what I say" She's told my husband he should consider having an affair because I'm no good for him, this past Christmas against my better judgement we invited her over as well as other family memebers, she was back to her evil ways. She literally became so angry because she didn't anything for Christmas she told my 15 year old daughter to let her have the perfume we had bought! when my daughter pleaded it was a gift and that she wanted it, my mother says " I didn't get anything, but that's okay I'm not our grandmother!"
      To add to the list each time I have changed my apperance she has tried as wll, I cut my hair short, so does she, I get colored contacts, so does she, I get a tummy tuck, now she wants one, if I dye my face orange she goes out and do the same...I'm lighter than she so she has tried several fading creams to bleach her skin. SIt's like she wants to take over my identity. I have tolerated her for so long, one reason is because she is my mother, the next is because the bible tells us " we should honor our mother and father, that our days should be long" I struggle with this, her abuse hinders my spirit.
      she is the Bitch of all Bitches!!! All my life I've been under her spell. My sister tried to warn me of her manipulation. Just recently I had surgery that didn't turn out wel, almost cost me my life, she was so happy she said " I wished she would have died" I've been married for almost 17 years to a wonderful man, and we have 3 beautiful children, I struggle each day trying not to be like her, but sometimes it gets hard for me because she was a ery abusive mother, so was her husband (not my dad) and of course my father was MIA. I had three people in my lifr growing up who FAILED one of the most important role in their lives. Against all odds I moved from the city she lives in, I finished college, married, active within the community, etc. Although I'm happy with my life sometimes that old demon creeps back into my life which is hurtful, I hadn't spoken to her for over four months and this week she decides to call me when I didn't answer she sent a text, about what the bible says abou those who have evil tongues, and hes watching my every mood, etc. trust me my family and I are christians, however she uses the the word of God to try and manipulate. I never thought I oould have so much Malice in my heart towards the woman who carried me ( not raised me). This week was the final straw I can no longer endure her mental abuse, her actions causes me to go into a rage, and its not fair to my husband and kids, heck its not fair to me. I just want some peace in my life!
      In response to the anony mous, its not your fault, sadly you may have to close that chapter in your life so that you can give yourself a chance to LIVE!! we are all here on borrowed time, you don't want to wait until you are in your forties like me and the light bulb finally goes off. I can't tell you it will be easy, and she's not going to let you walk away without reaping havoc, either through your friends, family, job, etc. I wish I could give you more advice on what to do, but I can't since my keeping my distance from her only last for a few months. My response to her text was " Since you wished death over my life, I am dead to you, please respect my wishes and never contact me nor my family again, I wish you the best in your endeavors, however, i will no longer be your target. Good Bye

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    5. Not your fault, either.

      The "honor" in "honor thy father and mother" refers to "give weight to", and you quite obviously have. She's out of line, and you are not obligated to support or cater to that. (You might find it reassuring to review Jonathan's confrontation of his father, Saul, over how Saul was treating David.)

      Something that gets forgotten all too often is that Scripture shows that leaders are to be servants. Jesus even washed His disciples' feet!—which was the lowest, most menial task He could have done. Those in authority, in Christian circles, can be great about spouting all the "headship" verses, while forgetting their own responsibilities with that…and that Biblical precedent is that, when a leader neglects their responsibilities, they aren't a leader. (See the example of Abigail, and how she outright defied her first husband.)

      Something I've also found reassuring: gossip = idle talk about others' affairs. There is nothing in the definition of the word that hinders us from reporting on our own. I've been accused of being malicious and angry and spiteful just for stating certain things happened. I'm supposed to ignore them, these harms (some of which actually could've put me in the hospital or killed me) that were never repented of—which is actually pressure to lie.

      Abusers would convince us that speaking out is malicious. But if they're in the right, and we're the ones in the wrong, why would there be any harm in us saying anything? Why, if we're wrong and they're right, us speaking out to others would only help their cases!

      I hope that helps you (and anyone else who reads this). God bless!

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  4. Thank you so much Violet..!

    I will, I will seek a therapist as soon as I can. I too have been a Scapegoat in my family, so no new news here. All my achievements have either been diminished or never aknowledged at all.

    Anything I did, I was never good enough in their eyes. Too skinny, too fat, always comparisons to ANY other girl or size!

    And now, mind you, they`re trying to blame even her disease on me as well. And she even gathered a team of fools to do the dirty work, and send the "messages" to me. How can you treat someone like dirt, and then expect them to cater you around?

    That`s how they trained us all of our lives, like puppets. It`s very hard, for children of Ns, and especially Scapegoats, to really see themselfs, as whole, and worthy individuals. Who are capable to function in a society, and most of all, who are capable of giving and receiving Love..! The hardest lesson of all to get I believe.

    I have been a memeber of another site a while ago, "Surviving life with a Narcisist", because I kept picking people who echoed so much my parents insanity. I`m still trying to change that. I am glad to have found your blog, it came at the right time.

    I wish you the best in your own journey as well! A lot of strength, peace and love!

    If we have survived for so long with people incapable of loving, and we`re still breathing this itself is a beautiful thing! I want to rebuild what is left of my life, I want to discover my soul and the things that make me happy, without walking on eggshells, anxiety, without fear.

    Thank you for answering me! It`s hard to relate about this in the real world, even to friends.

    Much peace and love!

    Sasha

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    1. You are most welcome, Sasha. Best of luck to you and please keep in touch.

      Hugs,

      Violet

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  5. Thanks so much for your posts. They have been very helpful in dealing with my parents. I have been no contact with my parents now for 8 months and am working through the grieving process. I have a therapist, but I think it would be helpful to find a group where I can talk to other adults of narcissistic parents. I truly believe that the only one who can understand me is someone who went through a similar childhood since their behavior is so contrary to what you expect a loving parent to be.

    Does anyone now where I can find a recovery group in Chicago?

    Thanks

    Thanks

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    1. Doug, the best thing you can do is to stick with your therapist...I firmly believe this is the most certain route to healing. If you get impatient and feel like your therapy is going nowhere, consider how look it took for you to become the way you are...how long it took for you to realize the toxicity of your parents. You cannot undo the ills of a lifetime in a few months. My therapy took me five years until I was well-enough equipped to handle it on my own: good therapy doesn't cure you, it gives you the tools...the insights...to fix yourself.

      That said, there are things you can do to make your journey easier. Journalling is highly recommended, as is joining a group of similarly-afflicted individuals. If you are looking for a live group, I suggest asking your therapist for his/her recommendations. Don't discount your therapist however...I know at least two psychologists (not in Chicago) who had NMs, so it is entirely possible that your therapist DOES understand but professionalism requires that s/he keep that information private.

      If you are unhappy with your therapist and truly believe s/he doesn't understand you, I would recommend that you seek a new one (before you terminate with this one) who has experience in dealing with adults who were abused in childhood. Such a therapist is most likely to be able to connect with you.

      Thank you for writing and best of luck to you

      Hugs,

      Violet

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  6. Another observation of mine:

    If the golden child is a son the NM is covertly sexually attracted to him, which might repulse the GC. GCs are torn between her doting, sexual attraction, and utter revulsion to the NM. Most GCs merely put up with the crap for they know they are going to be bestowed inheritance. Whether the incest is consummated or not is anyone's guess, but it remains a covert incest.

    If the SG is a girl the NM sexually competes with her for her boyfriends. Where cultural restrictions arise, the lust becomes rage and her abuse becomes more graphic.

    The NM is not above discussing her daughters periods and other personal stuff with the public. This is akin to symbolically stripping her daughter in full view of the public so as to whore her.

    Though my observations above might seem graphic, if the above behavior is overlooked by the SGs it might lead to dangerous consequences.

    If the child were to get independent, the NM is likely to clip her wings like spoiling her education, stealing her savings using a joint account under the pretext of guardianship.

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    1. The relationship may evolve as you describe, but the SG/GC role of the child is assigned long before sexual attractiveness or competitiveness is at issue. Narcissism and the behaviours or narcissists are very complex and we must guard against buying into simplistic "reasons" for their conditions lest we miss large parts of the truth.

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  7. Hi All,
    Your stories give me hope that my partner and I can free his son from a narcissistic mother. We are currently waiting for a decision about custody of the child but I feel like they don't know half of what she is like.

    She forced my partners son, who is eight to lie to police, child protection workers and his own psychologist. The things she made him say about his father must have been so damaging to him and despite him admitting to police through his own strength that she forced him to lie no one has really listened to him.

    The mother's lawyers said we hated her guts and that because he was doing fine at school that he had not suffered any emotional and psychological harm, even though Child Protection Services had written many reports about her mental health, and her admissions of bathing with him, perfoming Reiki on him to ward off predators and the fact that she did not act on advice if it was not what she wanted to hear. Not to mention that in a letter from Child Services about coaching him what to say, she was warned that it could damage him emotionally and psychologically.

    The narcissistic mother has never fostered a good relationship with my partner but since he and I bought a home together her behaviour has got worse. Now she is pregnant with another child and is not in a relationship with the father. I prey for that child because this road has been so tough that I don't think my partner and I have the strength to fight for this child's rights so fervently.

    We need for other people like Child Services and Police to recognise the emotional damage to children and act on it. You are so right Violet about how complex narcissists can be. You have to think about how their whole world revolves purely for their purpose, perhaps we can help others to understand how to identify their manipulation.

    My partner and I often wonder how she convinces people to help her, but she always does, her lawyer is currently working for her for nothing despite knowing what she has done. Makes you wonder.

    Well done to all of you who have escaped their narcissistic mothers and thanks sweet violet for creating this site.

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    1. We have been through this same scenario. Are you still in litigation? I realize your post is almost 4 years old, but I have a feeling you aren't done. My SO's ex wife left him in 2013 and we went through hell for 2 years. He eventually obtained sole custody because we proved she was unfit to parent after we pushed for a court ordered forensic psychological evaluation. She is still fighting us in court for visitation, but has no clue that she's spinning her wheels. She's had 6 attorneys, they've had 10 therapists and she convinced judges, doctors,attorneys, therapists, family and friends we were horrible parents. She's convinced professionals her child has autism, her ex beat her and abused her, her ex withheld money from her and that she was the primary caretaker and breadwinner. All lies! We've spent over $100k to protect a child from this monster. That money could have been used for college, new cars, vacations, to pay off our house, etc.

      How did we break free? We told the child to make a decision. Living with both parents was not feasible when a narcissist was involved. The attorney, judge and therapist were all informed. Child now has a hsppy life away from her stress and overpowering influence. So do we.

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  8. Today I finally realized that I was the scapegoat. I always refer to my brother as the golden child. I have realized when I was very young that my mother was not nurturing me, but only now have I realized that my situation is not unique. I am sorry that there are so many of us out there, but I'm happy that we were able to connect.

    My brother and I have both moved away from her mother. We didn't understand the reason at the time but felt the need for distance. We are both around 30 and have been in another state for 3 years.

    She recently found a new man that will marry her and has asked me to be a bridesmaid, and my brother to give her away. My brother, the golden child, said he did not support the wedding and will not go. He tried to confront her about our childhood. The favoritism, the lack of love, lack of empathy, end all of the instances of abuse. He told me tonight that he wants no contact with her. I told him I would look into narcissistic behavior and try to figure out what we should tell her. Can anyone advise me on this? Would it do any good at all for her to know the reason that we do not want to attend your wedding and do not wish to have any further contact with her?

    Thank you for all your posts. I plan journal tonight and begin the process of grieving and healing. Knowing that there are so many others out there gives me hope and strength :)

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    1. Hi there! I see this was quite a few months ago now that this was posted. I'm wondering how it all worked or did not for you. I just recently, at 51, told my mother I did not want to speak to her via phone anymore. Both brothers, one the Golden Child and one the Scapegoat (desperate to elevate his status not that I am the Black Sheep who spoke the truth about her abuse and neglect) are not speaking to me. It is all very painful and I am just learning how to grieve. Would love to hear your story.

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    2. Wow, I now see for the first time how I went from GC to BS, I was the only one of 3 children to confront my mother about her abuse, my sister elevated her status, my brother had a nervous breakdown and was a mental patient and ward of the state. I finally get why my sister would never validate me. My brother who was considered to be insane actually validated me but he was too emotionally fragile to do anything about it. My sister who never accomplished anything of her own was happy to feel superior to me. All of this dysfunction caused me to have a severely self-defeating mentality. They have all died, I miss my brother and my father, sister and mother not so much. I agree it's very painful situation. And all of it totally unnecessary except for one truly depraved narcissist, well three total, my sister found her perfect mate in my bro-in-law. sickosm, you know what you know, please stay safe.

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  9. Thanks so much for this article. It disgusts me the praise average women get just for giving birth. This undeserved entitlement. Yes many women are awful people or there r plenty out there. My evil mother was able to get away wit crimes against me and is a narc while saying "IM UR MOTHER"!!! And everyone kissed her ass and allowed her to do anything to her adult daughter just bc she was a mother? It's crazy. They also call all these women today mothers rather than women. It's disgusting. Most women out there who give birth need to be chastised for being evil not praised

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I don't publish rudeness, so please keep your comments respectful, not only to me, but to those who comment as well. We are not all at the same point in our recovery.

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