It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

I can't wait until my N dies and I'll be free...


Living with a narcissist changes you. Being raised by one not only changes you, the changes you have to make to survive such a parent literally shape who you are, how you see the world, and your very beliefs—even your beliefs about yourself.

If you had been raised in a functional household by relatively normal parents, the changes you make when you first get involved with a narcissist are changes that overlay your fundamental Self, the Self that was formed in a functional household with loving, supportive, normal parents and role models. These changes are like a sticker that is affixed atop the person you grew up to be. And when you break up with the narcissist, the sticker may be painful and difficult to remove, but underneath, your original Self still exists—a bit battered and wary, perhaps, but there just the same. In fact, your original Self is probably what initiated the breakup with the narcissist in the first place.

But when you are raised by narcissists, it is considerably different. You may have an intact core personality buried under all those adaptive measures taken to survive a narcissistic parent, but the person you know yourself to be, the person you show the world, and the beliefs you have adopted and live by are the only Self that you know. There is no “original Self” beneath the layers of adaptations because she has never been allowed to develop and come into her own.

And that is what therapy and recovery is all about: peeling back the layers of adaptive behaviours and beliefs, salvaging what is healthy and serviceable, discarding that which is maladaptive, and creating new behaviours and beliefs that become your real Self. It is an arduous and often painful journey, fraught with self-doubt and obstacles but a journey each one of us can successfully complete given a good therapist and sincere motivation.

But we do not easily come to the realization that our recovery from narcissistic abuse is a journey we must undertake alone. Because our wounds were inflicted by others, too often we adopt the belief that our recovery from those wounds is also in their hands. Our narcissists must stop hurting us, must change their hurtful ways, must apologize for their sins against us and make amends and then we will miraculously be fine. A parallel belief is that once our Ns disappear from our lives through death or No Contact, we will be magically healed and become normal, functional, happy people.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The death of a narcissistic parent throws up all sorts of emotional turmoil. From relief at no longer being the go-to person for working off a nasty mood to grief at the loss of hope that someday it might get better, ACoNs get every emotion the adult child experiences at the death of a normal parent plus the unique combination of relief, guilt, and fear that belongs to the children of the abusive parent. You are going to see the same denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance that everyone else has to deal with, crowned with relief at being finally released from the chains of being her whipping post, guilt for your relief (and anything else you may or may not have done that the N thought you “should” have or not have done), and even a kind of free-floating anxiety/unnamed fear. What you are not going to feel is normal. Or healed. Or even free.

Why is that? Because you long ago internalized your N in your head, where she will live and control you for the rest of your days unless you get proactive about changing things. The source of the problem, whether your N is alive or dead, is inside your own head and only you can fix that.

The good news is that you can fix this. The better news is that you don’t have to wait for your Ns to die to fix it. The not-so-good-news is that the fix takes time—years, possibly—and it is painful, and you may have to let go of a lot of stuff you presently hold dear: ideas, beliefs, possessions, even people. And you are going to have to do it alone because nobody, not even a therapist, can do it for you. And in the end you will be a different person from who you are today and a lot of people you know today are not going to like the new you.

That may sound discouraging, but if you take the time to really think about it, this is actually a good thing. How many people “love” you because of your dysfunctionality? Are you the person who never says “no,” who loans money, gives time, puts up friends, takes in unwanted pets, cast off furniture and bric-a-brac, never complains or speaks up? Wouldn’t it be lovely to have friends and family whose esteem for you was not inextricably linked to your value as a pushover? An easy mark? The person they can depend on to never, ever put herself first?

This who your Ns trained you to be: a person who puts herself last and who never allows even her own needs to interfere with the wants and expectations of others. Does that sound noble and good to you? It’s not. It is self-abusive and self-destructive. And if you are counting on the death of those Ns who trained you to be your release from servitude, you are in for a bitter, bitter disappointment because their deaths will not release you from a prison in which your own psyche has taken over warden duties.

The death of a narcissistic parent is an opportunity for healing…it means that the active emotional assaults from this parent are now over. Oh, there may be some rude surprises with the will and the obituary and even the services, but those are finished within a month or so and then you are on your own, no longer waiting for the next onslaught. But the Flying Monkeys are still around and you can bet they are eager to remind you of what NM thought, what is expected of you, and to keep her ugly legacy alive. And, of course, there is the NM in your head, heaping guilt on you for wishing her dead, being relieved at her death, and for daring to think of behaving or thinking or believing differently from the way she groomed you.

Your narcissist’s death will not set you free. You remain the same wounded person you were one moment before death claimed her. You still believe you are unworthy or unlovable or a failure or ugly or worthless or a clueless incompetent or whatever it was your N programmed you to believe when you were a helpless child with no life experience to give you any idea of the real truth about yourself. And you will stay stuck right there, captive of a dead narcissist, until you take action to free yourself.

Only you can do that and you don’t have to wait for him to die to begin. But nobody can set you free if you aren’t willing to literally defy all that you have been taught, to question even your most fervent beliefs, and to change at least some of what you believe and embrace ideas and concepts that are antithetical to what you have been taught to date. Only by taking control of your life, by becoming your own authority figure and repudiating the pseudo-authority that Ns and their Flying Monkeys assume, do you have any hope of becoming free.

And you don’t have to wait for your N to die to do that…

7 comments:

  1. This is a remarkable post - thanks so much! I've had to do LOADS of work since both my Nparents have died - and it's only been recently that Nmother's voice was stilled. Mostly stilled - if I get waylaid by anxiety, it's a sure sign that somewhere in that mess is her voice... Now I know to listen for it and when I find it, I can calm myself by negating it. Sigh... Thanks for this!!!

    ReplyDelete
  2. *sigh*
    This SO describes my life. I am definitely the one who puts myself last and "who never allows even her own needs to interfere with the wants and expectations of others." I don't really want to do this...it's just my default setting.
    Today...after years of no-contact, my NM sent my youngest daughter a huge check...wishing her a "good summer" (and effectively worming her way back into the family)...and I've spent the afternoon in the dumper. I have no idea how to get beyond all this and "take control" of my life.
    I don't think her (NM's) death will bring relief. I don't know why I have to walk this particular path. It is SO hard!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wow. I'm just realizing through therapy that my mother is a narcissist. I thought all my damage was from her husband molesting me but I realize the bigger damage is from her. I'm so happy to find this blog. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Violet
    Thank You so much for helping so many people me included. You're a Jewell of a person. So sad for your suffering, but great good has come from your helping of all the wounded souls who have experienced the same thing.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thank You so much for helping us. There are others out there who have gone through very similar experiencs. It is all so clear now

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you for this post! I have just recently become estranged from my family. I am the only one in my immediate family who can see how damaging my mother is!my father's advice has always been to "just ignore it." Attempting to ignore her behavior has done nothing but ca use further damage and hinder my success. By the grace of God I just started a great job that offers to pay to further education and free counseling! I am still very angry and damaged by a life time of manipulation and verbal abuse but I am finally ready to move forward with my life and heal. My advice for those of you still allowing yourselves to be a target of abuse, you are worth so much more than to assume someone else's ideology. God created you to be an individual. Become your true self and start letting go! Your will be surprised of your own capabilities and what you can accomplish without the toxicity of a narcissist.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This blog hits to the core with my mother. She is 82 yrs old still kicking and complaining suffering from all kinds of issues from diabetic blindness Charles Bonnet Syndrome and wheelchair bound. I blame her for a sense of alienation between myself and how I relate to women and people in general. I know it's wrong but, all my life I have had trouble dealing with people especially women. Yet, one woman has shown me and taught me about the mother wounds and my denial of them. I am always trying to seek approval and it's just not working. I loathe myself I became so messed up that I was placed on disability for depressive mood disorders. Because of these mood disorders I have never held a job longer than 3 years. In and out of jobs all my life. It wasn't my inability of doing the actual work but my ability to deal with people. My personality is bitter angry miserable and yet, many who knew me considered me to be brilliant beyond my time in many ways. I have nothing to show for it though. Now, I sit being a caretaker for both my parents. I hate it. All my life I failed at every endeavor. I only have a high school education which means nothing today. I have authority issues and I hate doing stuff for ungrateful people. My reasoning is such that many in authority over me when they ask me to do something for them it's all in the tone they ask. Nobody wants to do anything for bitchy people.The old saying goes one can attract more bees with honey than with dung. I have grown to despise women yet, I obsess over their beauty. It boils down as women today are being empowered they tend to immasculate men who show any kind of weakness. Yet, I see a contradiction as women want a man on equal footing with them but, still will not offer respect if they see any kind of weakness. So, where does the panty waist weakness come from? When men should grow a pair and be a man. It's hard to do so when you are constantly criticized for 60 years and told you are basically a disgrace and unwanted a failure a loser lazy and won't get a job etc. Those things hurt and it's been a major reason why I never amounted to anything. I have an older brother who likewise failed for the same reason. His way of dealing with it is drugs and prison. I have an older sister who was the first born she turned out to be the star of the family. First born usually gets doted on the most. So, in the long run I found this site while using a general search wishing my folks would just die and move on and out of my life. Mostly my mother. I get along great with my father. He tries to stick up for me but, he has no real power over his wife yet, without him my mother and her world will fall apart. I am at a loss. I know I will fall apart as well but, when it's all over I will be really alone. More than I already am. I have no friends I am trapped in an environment with no support system and no psychologist or therapist gives a crap. I am outside looking in as I see the world around me playing with their toys their friends and families. This site probably is not the best place to dump so much drama. Some may think I have it pretty good than most here. I guess the only resolve is to suck it up take it like a man. Just deal with it. So, many do and most end up in the prison system or gangs to be their family. The way the system works is instead of being pro active as many preach to be we instead wait until people act up and commit crimes then they let the penal system be their parents. Only, it's unforgiving and cares not about the hangup people have. No today instead of dealing with the root of problems we mask it with pills because psychiatrists don't want to do anything to help because everyone will say it's up to each individual to figure things out. If they could figure it out on their own they wouldn't be needing Drs and counseling.

    ReplyDelete

I don't publish rudeness, so please keep your comments respectful, not only to me, but to those who comment as well. We are not all at the same point in our recovery.

Not clear on what constitutes "rudeness"? You can read this blog post for clarification: http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2015/07/real-life-exchange-with-narcissist.html#comment-form